Thursday, November 26th, 2009
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11:01 am - Twitter posts
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Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Monday, November 23rd, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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11:01 am - Twitter posts
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Saturday, November 21st, 2009
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11:01 am - Twitter posts
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Friday, November 20th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Thursday, November 19th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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11:01 am - Twitter posts
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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Monday, November 16th, 2009
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11:01 am - Twitter posts
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1:43 am - It's official.
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Tyson and Isaac are now dating.
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Sunday, November 15th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Friday, November 13th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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11:01 am - Twitter posts
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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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11:02 am - Twitter posts
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Monday, November 9th, 2009
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11:03 am - Twitter posts
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1:19 am - Since Twitter is too brief an outlet
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Last Monday night, I fell apart. I got drunk on tequila and I sobbed for more than half an hour. My friends had to take me home. They had to hold me up and remind me I wasn't the worthless, disgusting, unattractive waste of air that I felt like I was.
One person told me, after that night, that I must certainly have a powerful effect on people, that I had that many people who wanted to take care of me. But you know what I have to say? I was a mess. I was clearly not able to take care of myself at that moment. They are my friends, and they're human, so what else could they do? They held me up, walked me home, and cared for me because I was once again stupid and needy.
For more than a month, I have been nothing more than a needy, selfish, self-centered pile of shit. I keep falling apart and getting depressed and I don't know how to do anything else.
So what are these friends around me to do but remind me that I am a good person, and a good friend to them, and good at the things I do, and in all other ways just take care of me? For a month, I have made it clear to everyone around me that I can't take care of myself and I am a leech who takes from them because I can't survive on my own.
So here's yet another group of friends who tell me they love me and tell me I'm a wonderful friend. Here's another group of people who I have surrounded myself with, convincing myself that I matter to some people, convincing myself that I'm actually worth more than the air I take up. Here's another poor group of individuals who tell me that I light up rooms when I come in and that I fix problems and that I am compassionate and caring.
But where do they all go? When we separate, suddenly this group of people who felt like I could be so important to them disappear. Not completely, for I still get to see Twitters and Facebooks and hang onto their phone numbers and screen names like I could one day use it and pretend like I'm still worth something to them. But instead, I sit on AIM and look at my buddy list at all the friends from my past and watch as they think of nothing to say to me. And who am I to butt in where I'm not wanted and actually make them pretend they still think about me.
I can't imagine how much energy it must take to be my friend. I wholeheartedly apologize to everyone who has had to deal with me.
If only I knew how to shut off my feelings.
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Sunday, November 8th, 2009
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12:02 pm - Twitter posts
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